From Chaos to Clarity: Parenting Reimagined

A Mom's reflection on balancing self-care, parental identity, and cherishing the moments that truly matter in the parenthood journey 

This weekend was one of the longest of my life. In *selflessly* offering my partner a weekend to visit an out-of-town friend, I willingly signed up for a weekend of solo parenting. No big deal, right? After all, I’d already conquered the monumental task of giving birth to these little ones. Handling a 2-year-old and a 4-month-old simultaneously should be a breeze. Not only would we survive the weekend - but we would also THRIVE. We had grand plans: pumpkin painting, library Storytime, and a fall festival downtown. By the time we reunited with their Dad, my kids would be well rested, pristine, and dressed to impress. Everyone would hold hands, smiles abound, and my husband would be in AWE of my parenting prowess!

Well, that’s not quite how it played out.

What actually unfolded were a series of unexpected challenges –  permanent marker scribbled on car seats, a frantic call to the pediatrician, one runaway dog, and two-hour-long bedtime routines filled with tears (his & mine). And to top it all off, everyone in the house was sick. It was an exhausting weekend, enough to test anyone’s resilience. After Day 1, I was wrung out and bone tired. Objectively,  surviving the day with 2 kids under 2 isn't the most challenging thing I've ever done…. So why was I feeling completely depleted? Why did the thought of waking up the next morning fill me with more dread than eagerness? Why was I struggling to do the bare minimum when other moms made it look so easy?

Of course, parenting is HARD (Capital! Letters! Needed!) - but here's my question: did it need to be?

How much of the challenge I felt was my own creation versus the joyful juggle of two maniacs? Was it possible I was making my load heavier than necessary? While I admit I'm still learning the ropes of parenting, all I knew is that my current state simply did not feel good. And that's always an indicator that I need to look closer.

So, I asked myself the following questions:

• What am I doing to prioritize my well-being each day?
• It's no surprise, parenthood sometimes becomes synonymous with self-sacrifice. As dependents, our children need us. Their entire world requires dependence on parents to feed, clothe, love on them. As a dedicated parent, I would never question giving every last drop of my mental, emotional, and physical resources to my kids. But - and here's the big BUT! - why should I?

The best version of myself occurs when I include my own wellbeing as a parental responsibility.

That means committing time for my morning coffee and yoga. Having defined meals versus eating scraps off my toddler's plate. Forgoing nap time chores to indulge in my latest book.

When you shift from an either/or mindset to a both/and perspective, you realize that by investing in yourself, it's continually fueling your fire meaning that you have MORE resources to give your children, AND it'll feel a hell of a lot better at the end of the day. This is also a model that I want my children to learn. As we teach them to listen to, respect, and care for their bodies, we have to remember that actions speak much louder than words.

• What does a successful parent look feel like to me?
• Society all around tells us what a successful parent should look like. The specter of the ideal parent ever-looming, watching. Some days we stand up to her and other days she watches in disappointment as we fall short of her measuring stick. The notion of the parent who can "do it all" can lead us into a psychological trap called cognitive dissonance. That occurs when our actions do not mirror our true beliefs or values. If we lack self-trust and are influenced by society to dictate who we are as parents, you're likely to find yourself feeling unfulfilled or happy - even if you're doing something that seems like objectively good parenting. Finding your own joy in parenting style and determining what feels true and good to YOU will help you to shape your identity as a parent in a way that fuels rather than depletes you. Remember, the best parent for your children is the one they have!

• When I'm on my death bed and look back on these days, what will I remember? 
• This question was inspired by my fellow Penn classmate and memento mori enthusiast, Jodi Wellman. No matter the chaos surrounding these days, I can look at my happy and healthy children and recognize that that is the stuff that matters. I will never look back and wish I had cleaner dishes or applaud myself for keeping the playroom tidy. I will remember how my daughter's first gushy giggles came from kissing her ample cheeks. I will laugh remembering how my son's first imaginary game involved crawling around our living room on all fours while panting like our dog, Annie. Sometimes when you're overwhelmed or finding yourself in a heavy mindset, just ask yourself - will I remember this in a year? 5 years? What about on my deathbed? You'll quickly find what truly matters to you in those moments so that you know what to hold close.

Reflecting on these questions doesn't automatically shift you from survival to thriving mode. It doesn't mean that parenting is any less tiring or challenging some days. But by prioritizing your own wellbeing, you're building your resilience when those days inevitably happen. You're filling your own cup so that you have more to share with your loved ones and yourself.

By understanding and becoming intimately familiar with the parent you'd like to be, you're fostering your self-trust, authenticity, and reshaping your purpose to best align with your values and beliefs. And by zooming out when times are tough to ask what truly matters, you are best able to let go of the noise and hold close the moments that give your life meaning. And little by little as you reorient yourself to the good, you'll feel lighter, freer, happier. And isn't that what it's all about?

Disclaimer: The information provided in this blog is for informational purposes only and should not be considered as medical advice. Always consult with qualified healthcare professionals before making any significant dietary changes or starting any supplements, especially during pregnancy and postpartum.

By Allie Dinesen, MHA, MAPP
OPTIMOM's Wellbeing Expert